yeah, thats what I feel like doing sometimes when I see myself
or I simply wonder, who the fuck is that guy?
and once I realize its me, well, I really only have 2 choices before me:
I can accept being ugly now and do whatever I might be able to fix it
(lose more weight, better posture, fix my teeth, new clothes and train my voice to not be so annoying to hear the sound of )
or
I can continue to believe nice words said by well meaning people to me, along with the own garbage I feed myself just to have the courage to make it through another day.
Basically these choices suck and what I would just like to do is not exist for a while. I do not want to die. But to not have to be alive for while would be nice, you know
but like Tommmy says: A wishing apple is a fake!

Which puts us in the uncomfortable position we are now. One in which we have just enough attractions that we can console ourselves with the belief that if we really wanted so desperately to not have to do all this, all the time, all by ourselves.
Then fear not! Ugly people want ugly people!

However, we are sadly cursed with remembering when we were not ugly.

Our boyish charm & smile got us through many years and eventually into many a pretty woman's

bed
This is what we must forget.
Its possible then we could be content to be weighed and measured by others and found wanting.
Actually, I believe its almost infinitely more of a possible solution than me ever really being the good parts of the old me again.

So if I can't just forget, then I must at least realize I only want what I cannot have and therefore, not want it!
For right now though, I just pray sleep takes me from here very soon and for a long time.

Well, its been an event filled 7 days, most of which I should not blog about. Hopefully by next weekly recap I will be able to report details, of some kind, about at least one of the many "somethings" currently in progress in my right now.
However, I am fairly certain that one thing I shall have done by then is

Be able to buy a plane ticet for a short trip to Socal in January.
Which, after all is what I am doing these weekly blogs of mine for anyways.
See, at best, only a few, in addition to me read this, but I do and reading back, I am a little disappointed to find I did not complete my home cleaning plans I had organized for myself.
So as soon as my feet allow it, back to my lone fight with the disaster of this house I go on.

Yes, I think Steven, above me, best captures my feelings about that, anyways, sleep and a lot of it, I must get now.



ps: Ok, well, I just went to hit "Detect music" before post because I like it to show the song I was last playing before I posted(rather than the first)
and this piece from

my favorite film of all time came on, so I feel this is a sign I should note for the record:

He stood there, simply gawking as she took another drag on her cigarette as the rain poured down and blueness dripped off her face.

- yeah, there is something there I think, but nobody knows yet, and even if i am wrong, at least i dare to be right!

I rate the show a 4 out of 5. I would have liked it to have been longer, which I think it may have been if those thugs who stormed up to the front had been removed earlier.
Also, paying a hundred dollars to be 30 rows back or more felt like a rip off, but thats not Morrissey's fault either really.
Then after the show my friend took

this pic of me and some Scottish guy I stayed with 6 years ago
after that something changed for me actually, like some spell cast on me long ago now was further broken
a few days later, on Friday night, that happened a little more, in another way
and even last night, another "thing" changed for me one that at first made me angry
however, now I see how motivated it has made me today as I begin
"Operation House Clean"
in which I have first broken the house down into parts I've mapped out, then even smaller ones within those
followed by just cleaning 3/4 of the bathroom
only the shower part of the bathroom remains to be cleaned, which I will do tomorrow after I buy some stuff at Walgreens
then I think it would pass an "inspection" hooah?!


ps: note to self, must make sure a certain someone meets my housemate, in the flesh, the next time they are over here

I use to never cry, I don't know if I do because I am so much more sad or what.
But I am crying now, been making a lot of real bad decisions lately, doing and saying things that later I really really regret.
Its just got to stop, I am fed up with myself and

the drinking, my margin for error in life simply cannot include alcohol
I am just to much of a fuck up with booze.
Well, time to wipe my face I think & take a nap.

Maybe I will feel better when I wake up...

How to explain Sehnsucht? I do not think I can, but it captures me all the time, it really cannot be explained, it simply must be experienced.
I've been reading a lot of C.S. Lewis lately, and well, here is an excerpt of his that comes closest to communicating this feeling:



Yeah, he really hits it there, I get a little bit euphoric just reading that, hmm, the melancholy is there too though, I can feel it, perhaps I adore that too.
Anyways, now on to what I am thankful for! (to keep it simple I will make it a list of 10 )

1. This moment. yeah, I mean this one right now, its pretty satisfying, I am feeling a measure of content right now and I like it. No, I am not anything, just writing, reading and listening my my music.

2. To have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all.

3. The dinner I made tonight: A super yummy seasoned pork roast, garlic mashed potatoes and buttered carrots. It was mmmm good!

4. To be going to see Morrissey in less than a week, Morrissey means a lot to me, going to see him sing is like going to church for me and you either get that too or don't.

5. For living, well beyond my means really, this place could be, I say could be real nice, I should take better care of it, I am very thankful to live here, have my own space and basically do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want, I spend what I earn and live in the now when it comes to all that. Yeah, yeah, often that means being caught up in my waking dreams of reverie. However, I have a pretty powerful imagination, especially when it comes to conjuring up the past, so thats fun too.

6. My friends, I do not have "a lot" of them like I thought I did in other places in other times, but they are really people I'd like to see more and well, they are not going to stab me in the back, sure I have thought that stuff before, but I honestly feel its different now, these people do not really "get" anything from me and yet they are my friends. I think thats awesome and I am very thankful for it.

7. My job, its mainly grunt work, but I feel like I am helping others, I like that, I want more of that. I am thankful to still be of service to others. Its really what life is all about.

8. What else, what else, let's see, ooh, ooh, to be able to go see the goddess

Hikki! in less than 2 months, oh my god, oh my god, seeing her is like so going to be a dream come true and who knows, maybe she will wink at me or something

9. For having survived it all, fuck man, a lot of shit has happened to and around me. Yet I am still here, ready to do battle or not, either way is ok by me.
I am thankful to still have the choice to make.

10. To still have so much to learn, its awesome not knowing anything really, seriously, I mean it, I am thankful to still be able to learn new stuff all the time.

37, birthdays, I am allowed to think of past ones on this date right?
30 &/or 31, the last gr8 ones
33, the worst, my first up here, i was still in contact so many people in Socal
which is really weird considering where one of those is now, really weird
L.A. people, they lie so well! perhaps it is in in the water?
(and no, I do not mean her, just a supposed friend)
but enough about that
its a new year for me, and I am free
not all can say that...

what a film, I still do not know what to make of it, I wish I knew more people that have seen it it to
but I am not willing to see it again anytime soon
moving on, or sort of, "back" I mainly listen to music on my ipod when I am not at home, so I was interested to see what last mix cd I made
I found in my discman one from this past summer I must have made while my ipod was broken, all it says on it is "KB"
so I loaded it up to see what was on it:

an interesting mix , I am guessing the "KB" stood for "Killer Bees"
anyways, I'm bored and have a bunch of shit to watch in my queue @ Hulu

also, something about November 11th?
nah, what does it matter, how many life's ago did I do all that, hardly seems like the same person to me
anyways, moving on, 2 weeks til my birthday...

and last night I went by myself and saw

Regina!
probably my favorite song she did was

she really is pretty too, you know?
now tonight is Halloween so I will be working at Encore, its sure to be busy night, come by & sing, if you can
lastly, here is a gr8 halloween song from the Japanese goddess

Tommy


ps: yes, it is long, but its also where the 2 sides of Tommy finally meet each other

the dodgers let me down, big time
this is always a sad time for me and well, shit man, i was back on the bad stuff for a lot of this month
but ive just flushed a bunch down the toilet, and wasting money like that always is a good motivator, for at least a while, to not do any
my immeadiate goal is to simply stay clean and sober til my birthday on November 25th
thats my birthday present to myself this year, to actually be clean and sober for 30 days by my birthday
I am pretty sure that has not been true in like 20 years.
After that, who knows, but I cannot pretend this hole in my heart or the extremely odd nature of the person I live with
are just going to go away, I have to find a way to resist giving in to self hate
moving on, Combichrist was awesome last night & it was so good to see Zeke for the first time in years
I remember, I almost dropped a bunch of glasses when I saw him on the other side of the bar
then today I found out for sure that people were right, Babyland did indeed break up back in August
still, there are things to look forward to, soon I see

Regina Spektor for the first time on this coming Friday
I truly adore her and just hope I can keep from getting down on my knees and bowing before her.
after that comes Halloween which should be a good night at work for karaoke and then its Skinny Puppy on November 1st
boy, my life really does revolve around music, in a weird way doesnt it
anyways, typing this has tired me out just like I hoped it would, so g'night lj and beyond

I had less than a hundred dollars to my name and knew that except for my severance pay from Sony, I had no more money coming in until I found a new job. Still, it was the birthday of someone I had only met 17 days ago and was already completely in love with. So I decided to get her the best 20th birthday present I could. As I wandered Westwood, I thought back to the conversation I had with my friend April as she gave me a ride to school and went to her job at Macy's. She thought about what I should get this girl she had never met but she could see I was already crazy about. Her shift did not start for another 15 minutes so we sat in her car, finished smoking our cloves & listened to the rest of her Joy Division album "Substance" really loud in the deserted employee only parking lot. Then just as Atmosphere ended and "Love Will Tear Us Apart" started, she said I should come in and look at the nice scarves they had on sale and she would give me the biggest discount she could. I thanked her and told her I would come as soon as I could, but I had a meeting with financial aid that I had to attend. That meeting was still on my mind as I walked through Westwood to Macy's the next day. It was more bad news, UCLA not only was not going to give me any aid, they were saying I now owed them half the money I had gotten to pay for classes since I had dropped to under 12 units that quarter. I left that meeting knowing that my college education was basically about to come to an abrupt end in less than two months. I was so lost, sad, angry that I did not realize I had staggered from campus to my new love's apartment. It was the third time I had showed up at her place without calling first in 17 days The other 2 times I had followed other people in the building and gone right to her front door. This time I did not do that, something told me I should not follow the slight, middle aged Asian man as he was buzzed in. I decided to finish my smoke and hoped to maybe catch her coming back from class or see if I could see the car she had driven to my house with the last weekend. The car was indeed there and behind it was a some kind of MiniVan, VW maybe. As I looked at her car I thought about how pathetic it was that I no longer had my own, it embarrassed me that while her parents gave her a car to use, my father would not even pay for my college, even though he could, and then I was reminded of ashamed my dad had been when he met my step mom because he drove a beat up old honey bee at the time while Libby(my eventual step mom) had a much nicer car. Even then I could see that he probably fell at least partly in love with Libby because she went out with him at his lowest point. I too, was at my lost point(I thought), could this new girl be my Libby?
At some point I must have gotten too close to that Camry in the mind of the older Asian woman I now noticed seated in the VW van. She made a face at me and I think was about to honk the horn. A dark moment passed there as it began to rain and her bitter look brought to my mind the "me hating" Asian mothers of more than girl I had dated. I took this to be some kind of sign that maybe I should just leave right then, just call my new love once I was home and hope she had not left for Westminster for her birthday and the weekend. I'd hoped she would stay up in L.A. with me, but since we had only known each other for a couple of weeks, I could hardly expect her to. In the end though, the thought of her going away without me seeing her again before Monday was to much to take. So I buzzed her number, she did not answer, but one of her roommates did. Not the "goth twin", the other one, Meredith, all she managed to communicate to me was that she would let "the T" know I came by and that tomorrow I would bring by her birthday present tomorrow, disheartened at that point, I prepared to go buy a "buck 50" sub and head home. But another voice came on the intercom and told me to hold on. It was the goth girl responsible for me meeting "the T" in the first place. I told her I would wait in the rain as long I had to then leave when told to. "Just hold on."squeaked from the intercom next followed by and abrupt hang up noise and the door buzzing. I almost missed opening the door before the buzzer stopped because when I heard her voice, my heart leapt up from my chest. Just the sound of her voice was electrifying to me. Once in, I headed straight for the stairs, but caught a glimpse of the elevator opening and could hear her lovely voice echoing from it. I watched from the window in the stairwell, as she hugged the older Asian gentleman goodbye and the conversed in Vietnamese. Immediately I realized that must be her sick father, I found myself feel this wave of sympathy for her and him. I let them have their moment and went up the stairs. By the time I got to the front door, she was on the intercom now asking one of the twins where I was just as the other one let me in. From the intercom, "the T" said ok and that she would be back up as soon as she could, but to me it just sounded like: "I love you Robert." I mean she had not said that, but the tone, the tone said that to me. I was a bit wet at that point and wanted to freshen up, which I did and assumed would be enough time for "the T" to return. Instead, things dragged on, eventually I just asked if it was OK if I rested on her bed, but before that I looked out the window to see if her car was still there, which it was and she and her parents were in the VW van. I began to wonder if she was getting in trouble because of me, or having to lie about me or something, what exactly I did not know. However, before anxiety could grip me, I caught a whiff of her smell on her bed. It was intoxicating as her voice, a scent of lavender, hint of cinnamon and strawberries. I remember very clearly actually becoming aroused as I laid there and wondering what I should as I hoped no one came in. I still was quite stiff when "the T" returned to the apartment. She called for me, but I did not want to come out of the bedroom in the condition I was in. Thankfully, she quickly came into the bedroom and closed the door when I asked her. We had not been together very long, but the physical nature of it was progressing in a electric, incredibly erotic manner already. With the door closed, I asked her if she had ever done it in here. And though she got all red and embarrassed, she hopped right on the bed and me, kissing, there was so much kissing, and soon her hand found what I was hiding under the cover. To this she simply said something like "Oh Robert, then did not speak anymore for a while." I was staggered out how naturally sexual she was for a girl just a day shy of 20 and without being jaded. She was such a good girl, it was then I thanked God for letting me live this long to not just feel the pleasure of so much physical joy, but to know that magic was real, to me she was simply magical. Beyond the gift giving to come the next day, I wanted to please her as much as she pleased me. Without both even mentioning it, I just knew we were both in sync in knowing we did not want to you know, "do it, do it" But keeping the bed from squeaking added to the thrill and as she quietly pleasured me, I made sure to expose and touch her. Eventually to the point where it was mutual, natural and incredibly joyous. After that, she giggled and we cuddled for a bit before rushing off to take a bus to my place. As we made out on the bus, I did not even realize that her parents had taken her car away with them. Much later she explained that they had come up to give her the car for her birthday, but assumed she would be coming with them, when she did not and further said the car needed a tune up(like I had told her the previous week) They had left in the beginning of a mood of unhappiness that would last for most of a decade and eventually lead to her being cut off from any support from them less than 2 years later and before she had graduated. It all started that night before her birthday. She chose me and lost so much more than anybody should be made to for love, but you know what the oft repeated fabled romantic event was of October 20th 1995?
For years, it was the story of the scarf, the 250 dollar blue silk sign scarf that April sold me for 50 dollars. Half the money I had at the time. It was seen as some grand romantic gesture, not just by me, but by her. Hell, it convinced me I was a romantic guy. Now though, all these years later and us long since broken asunder by death, destruction, lies, laws, pride, sloth, forgetting, drugs, and other things more absurd, but including, the mistakenly placed sense of entitlement so many feel for those they have live, loved and supported.
Its taken 14 years for me to write about this and almost as long to realize it. The truth is, that scarf, wherever it is, it symbolism as my love is only about 20 on a scale of at least 34 on the current "T" scale. Her love was always so much more than mine! Sure, its turned to, at best, to a cold silent ambivalence, while mine remains alive if only to keep me alive.
That I might mark another year since the birth of it

for the record, the only portion of the prosecution of Roman Polanski for rape of a minor in 1977 was resolved with his confession to the crime in 1978. It is only the sentencing that is yet to be determined. Had the government stuck by the deal struck with Roman then or he would have been given no more than another more couple of months incarceration and then probation. Such a light sentence reflects a number of factors, but the overwhelmingly important one is that without his confession there was little chance of him being convicted. So the government dishonoring the deal is to some of us the worst kind of miscarriage of justice possible in our legal system. No one is seriously denying the charges against Roman or his guilt. But no matter how deplorable any one person's crimes are against any one other person, they can never excuse the kind of betrayal of our Constitution such acts as those committed by the judge and lawyers involved in the Polanski case represented. Those acts were committed in the name of "We the people" vs him.
Personally, I am against plea agreements in the first place, I think they lead to the rich getting of easy because they can afford to fight the law "legally" and they usually mean the opposite for the poor. The Polanski case represents the worst of both worlds. His plea deal mean he would serve no more than 90 days in jail, even though the charges against him could have meant as much as 50 years, which is just the kind of deal rich people always are given and gotten. But judges only usually back out of those deals in cases where those who plead guilty have little recourse to fight their harsher re-sentencing.
At a minimum, if Roman had not fled and been indeed been given a much more severe sentence, then the ,now dead, judge would not have been able to evade the questions still surrounding not only his actions, but those of a number of people working for "we the people" at the Los Angeles District Attorney office. In 32 years, none of them has been punished for what they did in "our name". So until the people who are payed to serve me are held responsible for BOTH:
not doing their job of trying and convicting those people most hurting our society
&
until they are actually made to achieve these ends in a fair, legal and just ways.
Until then, I withhold any respect they might think their title and position grant them.
Furthermore, I do not recognize their authority to judge me, or anyone else for that matter, as some kind of: menace to society, enemy of the people or whatever other way they may use to divide and conquer some of us from the rest of us.
As a matter of fact, given the now long and damning history of corruption in our court system. I think it is safer to assume that:
in the absence of more than enough real physical proof, that:
the prosecution lied
the judge ruled arbitrarily
the verdicts of juries prove as much about whether something is true or false, as would a "trial by combat" to determine whether the earth went around the sun or the other way around.

Basically, in legal matters, if someone cannot prove something, then they are likely lying. And if both sides are lying, then it is whoever lied first that lied most. Also, it is important to remember that governments tend to lie not as much as they need to for "justifying their actions", but instead that the juster their actions are, then the less they will feel the need to hide them or when they explain them when they admit to them.

You've been gone now 8 years, but it seems like so, so long ago. I still miss you, your guidance, your faith in me and your love.
I think I am doing OK right now. I hope you are, wherever it is you are. I simply find it hard to believe a spirit such as yours just vanishes.
Oh and by the way, our Dodgers are awesome this year, I really think they have a chance at winning it all!

1. I gave in and started listening to BoA a lot

I like her a lot of her English language stuff, but
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA8ZBCUweCY
"Eien" is the song and video I simply adore.
2. I lost my wallet.
3. Finished watching Season of 2 of my new fave show ever

"Lost"
4. I got real sick last night. So I am back "on the wagon".
&

5. I bought a new mop.

I usually make a collage, like above, concentrate on it while I have a smoke.
and now I begin...

*
or simply doing the right thing
For me, I usually clearly perceive what the right course of action is, or at least what the wrong one would be.
Yet, why is that not enough to make me take action?
Even when I have succeeded in being only "at" right here & in the right now.
Still, rarely is that enough to cause me to do instead of just merely be.
Simply put, its not that I do not have the will to do so much I wish to do, but that my will is unwilling.
It is not my own. So for a long time I desired to conquer myself, but now I have a sense that death brings that about soon enough.
There must be another path to these different parts of me, which are supposed to act in unison, if there ever is to be the real me "Robby".
When Robby's time shall come to an end, I do not want it to be without ever having actualized more of that as "the real me".
However, what I now perceive as my catalysts for really living this life exist only outside of "Robby".
None of their points of origins are me.
Not her, not them, not this country, not any kind of "earthly pleasure" or "high minded ideal" which I love so, none of it is why I am really here.
At this point, its like I have been waiting for the transmission of some kind "orders" to you know make the sleeper awaken.
Then, for a while, I even feared they would never come, followed by my shocking experiences in New Zealand.
After that I became struck with how much I was not hearing what the world was so clearly saying to me for so long.
Sometimes this makes me frantic to disentangle the jumble of words, ideas, feelings, hopes, dreams, nightmares, wonders, rules and all the rest of it from each other.
Fuck that sidetrack though.
I am, happily now, leaving that to the experts who specialize in each specific niche, that was never where my strength was anyways.
Not even with my vast knowledge of history did I ever really rely on memorizing particulars of each measured historical event.
My facility is to easily see the logic of how an event will lead from one point to another.
Too long I, and others like me, have wasted our time trying to make others understand what we are saying.
All that matters is understanding oneself and understanding what others say to us.
When we do the above, progress will return.
Resulting in the decline of much of the science, rhetoric, economics, art, et al now stifling all of humanity.
We must all stop giving a shit about what we perceive as how others see us!

*=I have simplified things for myself down to one concept central to Bushido.
http://www.fightingarts.com/reading/article.php?id=524

I tried to get up as late as I could without being late for work, but sleep alluded me by late morning. So I put a wash on and it was all down hill from there really, I just did not know it yet, which I should be use to by now I think. Soon after, I just gave into this(yesterday) being Tina's Day no matter what I did, hell, no matter even the likely fact such a notion is now either repugnant to her or possibly cruelest of all, she really does not care at all.
At least in giving in to the haunting before me I thought perhaps I could exert some control over it. After all, this way of thinking had been a driving reason behind my previous drug usage on every prior July 14th since she left. Then I recalled something I had first thought of when I was in New Zealand. My uncle M.(who happens to be going through a divorce right now actually) was watching episodes of the "new" BSG most nights of the week. He was up to Season 3 when I got there and by the time I returned from my long excursion to the South Island he was up to episode 15.

"A Day in the Life" one of the episodes that had touched me the most. So I just sat there and watched it with him for what must have been at least the 3rd time for me since it had come out 2 years ago. Still, its story of how Adama reflected upon his wedding anniversary every year it came back first even when they were estranged from each other to further still doing so after her death. This demonstration of his faithfulness and ability to conjure her memory with such reverie. Well, if that was not written for someone like me to know, then there really is no divinity to be found in the universe. So yesterday while I waited for my clothes to dry before work, I watched "A Day in the Life" one more time. Perhaps doing so shall become a part of my annual day dedicated forever to her.
When it was over, I got my laundry and was surprised to find my ipod fall out of the dryer. Its broken now of course, which not only means I have to buy a new one, but that I did not have one on yesterday, off all days, one in which I would be desiring the distraction of music as I started to feel more and more low. Soon after, I took a half a Vicodin before leaving for work. My hope was that it would help stave off the blues at least until I got through work. It worked for a while, until I had some hectic stuff to do that involved not only some physical strain for me, but also stressed me mentally because my task was to do something I did not know how to do and was afraid would end in at least my breaking something if not some kind of electrical mishap. Thankfully, nothing like that occurred. As a matter of fact, those 4 hours at work yesterday were the only ones I was really able to keep my growing depression in check. And maybe if I had gone straight home to bed after work, then I would have escaped some pain. Who knows really, all I know is that I ended up drunk and unable to figure out how to get home other than by cab. Eventually though, I wast just wandering, I feel I am perfecting a form of aimless motion now. Somehow, the act of trying to absorb all the external "direction" around me eventually overwhelms the despair inside. But as my feet grew tired, loneliness became complete. Then when I got home finally, I had music to be my company. There are a number of great songs evocative of Tina's Day. I put the youtube of one above and shall complete this entry with the lyrics to it below.